S-S-SAM

sam_ruins_lives @ 2006-06-13T00:25:00

2006-06-13T07:30:48Z

I just got off the phone with Kelvin, and I am literally falling into pieces over here. I FUCKING HURT SO MUCH. I don't even know what to do anymore.

I knew shit was way too good to be true, and that things wouldn't work out for the better, I always get screwed over. But I thought that maybe this time, I would actually get to be happy, and get to be with him.

I am not even seeing him for two weeks, and I need to just get over him. It's the only way I am going to be able to do anything about it. All he does is hurt me and he doesnt even know it. and I am so fucking angry. I hate him right now, I hate him so fucking much for leading me on again and hurting me all over when he knew he would do this, and I have all this mixed emotion inside that he will never ever feel or know of. and now I fucked up shit even more tonight, and I am just sorry. I am sorry for everything, for ever mentioning to him that I missed him.FUCK, I AM SO FUCKING STRESSED.

sam_ruins_lives @ 2006-06-01T01:27:00

2006-06-01T08:34:05Z

god, I don't even know where to begin,and I just wont to get it all off of my chest, I called Kelvin tonight, and he didn't pick up the first time so I left him another one, and then he called me back, and he was telling me how he was so fucking pissed off at me becuase everyone was going up to him talking about us having sex and everything, and how everyone knew, and he knew it was because of me and it was fucking horrible, and he was like, I heard you hooked up with Rooster, and I lost all respect from you. and it was all just a fucking burn. I really didn't want to get bitched out like that, and I was crying to him, telling him how much I wanted to be with him and how much I loved him and he was like, Sam, I don't even know anymore. and just all of this shit, and we talked about alot of shit, and then I told him to call me when he was ready to and he said ok and we got off, and now I am just fucking scared. Fucking scared that he hit realization AGAIN that he didnt want to be with me becuase of this whole ordeal, I am inlove with him, fuck. I just have to wait it out I guess, no more calling. NO MORE ANYTHING. I know that I shouldn't be restricted to what I do, but you know. I HAVE TO DO THIS FOR MYSELF. He was so sad, and I guess he really does still care about me and everything, and maybe we will end up together, who knows. All I can do right now is let him make the next move, and I know I am itching to pick up the phone right now and call him and cry. but whats the use? It won't help, this is his descion and I told him to call me when he was ready, so I mean...Hopefully he'll want to be with me.I love him and everthing we've been through, and fuck. PLEASE, BE ON MY SIDE. So stressful.I just can't think of it, atleast this weekend if filled up with plans and shit, and I don't know. I just need to get everything moving. Justin called me tonight at midnight and they made him work till 12:00 so I can't blame him, and he was really trying to help me. FUCK. no more thinking for me. I am just going to go with the flow.

sam_ruins_lives @ 2006-05-29T21:52:00

2006-05-30T04:53:31Z

So he finally gets the backbone to call me.

we really talked about nothing, he just said sorry for not hanging out all weekend, but he's been really sick and blah blah blah.

sam_ruins_lives @ 2006-05-29T18:41:00

2006-05-30T02:24:03Z

I lied things aren't perfect, and whenever I come to realization of things, I am listening to Death Cab For Cutie, GREAT.

I don't think this weekend could of ended up any worse. I ended up fighting with my two bestfriends the whole time, and thing's didn't go the way I planned, I found out so much shit that I wish I just left alone.

I tried calling Kelvin 4 days in a row and he ignored each and every single one of them, and I left him 3 messages. I am done with him, and everything, I really need to move forward and be happy with myself and what I do have at this moment, so what if I don't have a boyfriend or anyone that I like that likes me back, I can't always get my way. I can't be with anyone like Kelvin anyways, look what he has done to me. He has treated me like shit and ignored my phone calls when I needed him most, only someone so fucking cocky and self absorbed could do that,and as for the other guy. WOW, big fucking mistake, I don't want to believe it, but it was. I realized that we would never work out, and I fucking tried to contact him this whole weekend but obviously he was to good to come see me, AS ALWAYS. I always get fucked over, and I feel like it is partly my fault, becuase obviously I am doing something wrong. I let people walk all over me, and I always go back to them like a little puppy,becuase I am so empathetic towards people, and I get taken advantage of.

Today was such a horrible day, I came home and felt really alone and lonely,and I realized so many things, I want to change who I am.

I am no longer going to make an effort towards anyone who doesn't care about me, if they think they are better then me, then let them. When I call them, all I am doing is making myself lower to their level. I never actually came out of my shell, I am always hiding away from everybody, afraid of what they would think, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM. I always try to be this person who is cool,calm, and collect and who is so mature and never wants to laugh and always wants to be serious and never fuck around and joke becuase it's so lame and immature and i always care what people think about me, and I really don't know why. I hide myself away so much, that I lost me. I want to find out who I really am, and have fun.

I am jsut to busy living in the past, wondering what other people are doing, and how they are having so much fun without me, but in actuality, I am being such a bummer to the people I am around, all I ever do is sit around and talk about my problems, and it just brings down the night!

I want to be myself again, where I had no worries, but then I realize, that was never me. I always have to have something to worry about, becuase it's who I am.

I am just a sad person in general, and I am always going to be, i feel like. But I guess I can't exactly say that, that is true. To be honest, I just don't want to be alone, I want to find someone who I am crazy about and who is crazy about me, and who will stimulate my mind and show me new things. Thing's I would never dream of doing, and things that I would object to, becuase I know I would grow to love it.

I just need to get rid of so much excess baggage in my life. Past loves, past regrets, past fears, and past happiness, not to erase them, but push them out of my mind, becuase they were in the past and I need to make room for the future and whatever it has to hold. I can't keep sitting here wishing that Kelvin was with me again and we were laying here cuddled up, becuase that will never happen again and thats in the past, whats the point of wishing it was here again? It just makes me sad and brings down my moos and makes me want to call him, and say things I know I will regret later, All i want to do is move on with my life, and forget that anything ever happened, but be greatful it did. I learned so much from us, and from breaking up, and the whole greiving process, and I'm not going to lie, I still am grieving and am deeply sad, but there is nothing I can do, and it's life.

I don't want to push my problems on anyone anymore,from now on, I am going to keep it all to myself. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, I just have so much emotional turmoil. I just never want to stop talking, and I want to get everything sorted out in my brain.

Let's see what happened this weekend, Friday came around and I went to Simi with Dean and I saw alot of people I haven't seen in a while and I met alot of new people so I was happy. I saw Kelvin and that went horrible and he is ignoring me, which is even more horrible. but fuck it, he has his reasons.

I was with Sawyer and Ashley all weekend, and we fought so much, but surprisingly it was still really fun in the end. We have never fought this much and it was just constant tension in the air and it was horrible, but I honestly love them to death and I think that we all just clash so much becuase our personalities are all the same. We went to a party, smoked, drank, fought, drove around, crashed at random houses, sat around, cried, fought some more, but mostly laughed and had a good ass time. We dyed my hair, and it turned orange, but it's pretty!

I wish I just let who I really was out, and I didn't hide inside a shell.

love is watching someone die

2006-05-20T02:11:13Z

I don't even know where to start, I am so sad and scared right now. Why am I so unhappy with my life? I can't get up without being sad, and I can't go to bed without being sad. I hate myself. I hate this. I can't stop crying. My plans got ruined tonight with Ashley and Sawyer, I am home alone. I can't take this anymore, the way I feel is so unbearable at times. I don't know how much longer I can take this.

somewhere over the rainbow

2006-05-18T16:04:53Z

I have no clue at all why I even woke up at 7:00AM today.I woke up with him on my mind again, and it seems like that's all I am ever thinking about now.I feel like my life has deteriorated into nothing, I had a bad dream last night about how and about how he couldn't stand to be with me. I know today is going to bad, but I guess I need to make the most of it.He called me last night, but we only talked for 5 minutes, and then he went to bed, and I really don't know what to do. I guess I know Kelvin and he wouldn't leave me hanging for this long, I know he really loves me and he does want to be with me, but I can't wait a month. I really feel like it's in forever, I just want to be with him, and in his arms. I remember how he used to come over everyday and we'd lie around and watch Malcom in the Middle and play these silly games and "role play".
I regret everything that I ever did to fuck it up between us, I feel so foolish and stupid. I literally ruined the best thing that I had going for me, and I was just to blind to see it. He gave me everything I ever wanted and I took advantage of him, and I truly honestly love him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and just be happy.
I'm moving at the end of August, and I really want him to come with me,but I don't even know what's in store for me in the future. I know that I shouldn't sit here waiting for anything between us, but I can't help but doe the exact opposite. I feel like my life stopped when me and him did, and my life has been on pause for the last 7 months.
I have to go to O.F.L. today, and I haven't even finished my fucking packets, i've been slacking so much, FUCK, and I need to study for my C.H.S.P.E. today, and I need to go running, I didn't go yesterday and I ate such horrible food this morning at like 7:00 NICE!
This weekend is hopefully going to be better than my fucking weekend, I get to see Ash and Soy tomorrow, and we are going to bust a mission and find some weed & maybe a party, and for sure Saturday , I need to get wasted. I can't bear the thought of KELVIN AT PROM WITH THAT UGLY FUCKING HOOKER. god, it depresses me. my room is really fucking messy too. FUCK HAVING TOO MUCH TO DO, AND BEING LAZY AND UNMOTIVATED. FUCKFUCKFUCK. fuck it. I need to go do my packets, and i want some cake too,that sounds dank.
PEACE!